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Frequently Asked Questions about Relationships
Southtown Economist Interview Questions
This is a copy of an email between myself and Carly Mullady prior to her article being printed. Her questions are in bold and my responses follow:
Carly: "Brace yourself... We’re going to have a lot of questions for you. Here are some of my female perspective questions:"
Is there one overall message you try to give in your classes?
I guess if there is one overall message, it would be that sex outside of marriage or before marriage complicates relationships. It can cause people to mis-identify the feelings they have, cause one to expect that the other is expressing the same level of emotion/commitment, and cause people to overlook the danger signals they see in the other person. On my website, the titles–Danger Signals and Red Lights, Quality traits in that special someone, and Sex is for marriage (avoiding divorce) all have the same message. I don’t use all three at one workshop, it just depends on the group. I don’t hit anyone over the head with the message, but I do tell them that the danger signal list comes from the responses I got from dozens of people in the divorce recovery group I lead when I asked what things they noticed in their spouse while they were still dating that they overlooked and they said they overlooked the traits because they were sexually involved, they thought he/she would change, and "I loved him/her.” When someone asks if one or two bad traits are alright, I ask them which bad traits they could live with for the next 50 years?
What’s the format of your class?
The workshops are interactive, with discussions, sharing stories/examples. The Jerk workshop is on DVD by Dr. John VanEpp and I use portions of the DVD, but mostly I speak his information "live."
Do you touch more on picking a person, or making a relationship work, or both?
I would say both. First, relationships are about getting to know each other and if there is enough common ground in the area of basic values, people tend to move forward using relationship skills such as learning to communicate in each other’s style, resolving simple conflicts and then if there is enough emotional investment, when there are major conflicts, you have some skills and practice to tackle them.
What do you think the most common "successful relationship" misconceptions are for women?
That there is one perfect person out there and also that if the guy finds the right person (you,) he’ll change and become the person you want him to be. Kind of like taking a frog (jerk) and your love will turn him into a prince. It doesn’t usually happen, tho.
By the time people are my age and older, many have already been hurt before. Is it important to leave the past behind when starting a new relationship?
Yes and No. Take your experiences and learn from them, don’t make the same mistake over and over just with different people. However, if one person treated you badly don’t assume that all men are like that. Especially in the area of second marriages, the second spouse may end up paying for the mistreatment that was done by the first spouse. For example if someone you used to date was very critical of you, you might not be able to take even constructive criticism for the next person you date.
For women, what are some good venues to meet good men?
School, church, work, bowling league, tennis or volley ball leagues, health club, book store/coffee shops, volunteer groups, special interest classes such as photography or travel–the worst place to meet someone is at a bar or party because you don’t know if you are meeting the true person or the person under the influence.
What questions do you answer in your classes?
Typical questions are how can you tell if its love or infatuation, do people change, etc. I do my best to be open and answer or at least acknowledge all questions.
Are the classes forums for people to bring forward their concerns, or do you address more general problems?
It depends on the workshop, it’s best to keep it general to help the most people and if someone starts telling a long story, you start to lose the others. If someone has specific situations, I usually have a handout, a book to recommend, or a support group like the Divorce Recovery group that meets weekly.
How do you get out of a situation once you realize you’re dating a jerk?
This is an interesting question and it depends on what kind of jerk the person is. If it’s a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, it takes extra precaution. I would say that if you are never alone with the person that they may give up on trying to manipulate you into staying and just break up with you– but that can be difficult if they have already isolated you from your friends and family. If you fear someone may threaten you harm or themselves, you may need to report it or at the least reconnect with your friends so they can give you emotional support and the safety of never and I really mean never being alone with the person.
If you’re talking about a regular type jerk/jerkette and you’d like to break up amicably, it would be good to at least confront the issues you’re concerned about and give them a chance to respond. You may have just decided you are done with this person and aren’t interested in any further efforts or promises and it should be okay to break up with someone without being the bad guy. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work out that way and someone will be hurt. That goes back to the point of view that sex outside of a committed married relationship leads to pain. If you break up with someone that you have not been intimate with, its just naturally going to be less painful.
To break up with someone, you should be honest, be direct, be decisive, don’t drag it on, don’t see each other or call anymore, be respectful, ...
Do you think we should only date with intent to marry?
First, I think its important to have a list of the quality characteristics you desire in a future spouse. Then if you meet someone that does not line up with your list, don’t date them. I’m not saying you need a list of 50 items they have to live up to, but if its important to you not to be married to a smoker, then don’t date smokers. I would say don’t date anyone you wouldn’t at least consider marrying. Don’t waste your time or their time. I know people who are living together that have no intention of marrying each other and that seems really unfair, they could be meeting someone that they would like to commit to. Personally, I think socializing in groups is a good thing for singles of all ages, you get to be out, have fun, observe the person you are interested in, and not get too intimate too fast.
What are some differences that a relationship cannot overcome?
Basic values, whether or not to have children, living near family or far away from family, money management style, hidden or minimized drug/alcohol use, violence, etc.
I and many of my friends, are guilty of looking for the best in people and wearing "love goggles," then suddenly realizing we’re in over our heads with people that are wrong for us. What’s a fair balance between being open-minded and giving people chances and looking out for oneself?
Some people use the phrase don’t be judgmental instead of open minded and some use that almost as a blackmail. For instance if you really don’t want to date someone that smokes, and you say that to some one, you may be accused of being judgmental and feel cornered in to giving the person a chance. We are free to have the values we want and the phrase should be evaluate others, not judge them. When you evaluate, you are no different than the employer who makes wise, rational decisions about who he wants to hire. So again, I say have a list of what’s important to you and stick with it so you don’t find yourself in over your head. The hand out on danger signals is a good answer to this one.
What are the good guys looking for?
We don’t like to accept it, but guys are visual and being physically attractive is very important to them. Of course, not everyone defines physically attractive the same, but it does really matter to them. They want someone they can trust and depend on, someone who knows the balance between being attentive without smothering, someone they can confide in, spend recreational time with, someone who is emotionally stable, not crisis oriented, someone who is mature, ....
I would also tell girls not to try to become what someone is interested in, be someone first, be a quality adult, with interests of your own, a vision of your own.
What should the good girls be looking for?
A grown up is my first answer. Also, see the list of quality characteristics. A good way to weed out the good from the bad early in a relationship is to tell them up front you don’t believe in sex outside of marriage and evaluate their response.
What are some early warning signs women should look for in a man?
See the list of danger signals and recognizing potential abusers.
http://www.onetimelifetimelegacy.com/index.php?p=1_9_Danger-Signals-Red-Lights-What-to-Avoid-in-that-Special-Someone
http://www.onetimelifetimelegacy.com/index.php?p=1_10_Recognizing-Potential-Abusers
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