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How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (jerkette)

Southtown Economist Article

How to avoid marrying a jerk
Southland seminar gives insight on building healthy relationships and avoiding toxic mates

April 27, 2008

BY CARLY A. MULLADYStaff writer

Do you take this jerk to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?

A six-hour class, "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk/Jerkette" at Joliet Junior College last week emphasized the importance of saying "I don't," before taking those vows.

Linda Campbell instructed the class with the help of author John Van Epp's book of the same title.

Seven women, ranging in age from their early 20s to mid 40s, registered for the class with similar goals. All were independent, strong and ready for something better.

Trish, 25, was raised to rely on herself first.

"Plus, there isn't real dating anymore," she said. "I think my generation screwed it up."

Campbell admitted times are tough.

"We have a crisis in commitment," Campbell said, citing findings that 45 percent of employees in the national workforce are single and 40 percent of voters are single.

But, she said, no one is to blame.

According to Van Epp, 85 percent of people want to get married, and 94 percent think it's important to marry a soul mate.

And the first step to finding that mate is being true to oneself.

Campbell said to be active, whether it's participating in community government, events, hobbies or teams. Instead of hunting for partners at local bars, start a quest for personal happiness.

"The good people are doing life," Campbell said. "I want to be me, then meet somebody. Then, if they like me, great."

Relationships don't come with guarantees. They just need to be pursued rationally.

"A person should go into a relationship with an awareness of his or her needs and expectations," Campbell said. "List the qualities and traits you want someday and the things that are important to you. Don't compromise that."

"People say 'picky' as if that's an insult. Being picky is raising standards and asking yourself, 'what is good for me?'"

If a new partner passes that test, analyze with the head and the heart and look at family background, attitudes, compatibility, examples of past relationships and experiences and skills.

Important characteristics for compatibility are personality, intelligence, emotional styles, chemistry, sense of humor, values, lifestyle interests and communication styles.

Ask questions.

"You want to be a detective and listen to how they answer," Campbell said.

The class included a worksheet of 99 questions that should be answered, either through discussion or interaction before marriage.

This inquisition includes queries about family background, faith, compatibility potential, relationship skills, past relationship patterns and conscience.

A person who has no qualms about stealing from work, being rude or telling lies most likely won't have a conscience in a relationship either.

Campell said not to ignore warning signs or let "love goggles" get in the way.

It takes at least three months for a person's emotional patterns to really show.

Don't expect a person to change.

Campbell said that bad behavior before marriage continues while good behavior often lessens.

"Very few selfish people care enough whether you'll leave if they aren't going to change," Campbell said.

She also emphasized the importance of learning from past mistakes.

Jen, a 20-something classmate, said she's notorious for dating jerks.

"The nice ones I'm usually not attracted to somehow, but I want to break that cycle," she said.

Campbell said a tendency to keep dating different people with the same types of dysfunction is common.

"That compulsive repetition with the hope of a different outcome is the definition of insanity," she said. "What's your emotional need that makes you want to rescue them?"

People with emotional imbalances are often drawn to others with an equal but opposite level of dysfunction.

To form a quality adult relationship, both parties must be quality adults.

"If you want a reliable, trustworthy, dependable person who is not a taker, who is willing to give, you need to find someone that is balanced with your quality adult characteristics," Campbell said. "Why be with someone lazy, inconsiderate and disrespectful?"

"Find a person who is equal in your efforts to become a quality adult," Campbell said. "It might not be perfection, but someone who is aware of deficiencies and working toward something better."

Campbell uses a relationship attachment model to help people determine whether they have a healthy bond with their partner.

Students rate the quality of their relationship in five areas- know, trust, rely, commit and touch - in that order.

Staying in a safe zone on this chart means not letting the rating of one category exceed the previous.

In a healthy relationship, a couple's "know" rating should be higher than its "trust" rating, and so on. If, for instance, "touch" gets a higher rating than "commit" the relationship is out of balance, Campbell teaches.

Classmate Leslie, 41, a divorcee, was a few years into a relationship with a "commitment-phobe" before he broke up with her over e-mail. She wants to start over right.

"Don't trust someone more than you know them," Campbell said. "Don't commit to someone more than you can rely on them.

Carly A. Mullady can be reached at cmullady@southtownstar.com or (708) 802-8812..

www.nojerks.com

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